While his former teammates at Oregon burn up indoor tracks all over the country, Chad Hall says he is right on pace for an Olympic career.

As the Oregon men’s team heads into the 2009 NCAA Indoor Championships as favorites this weekend, former Duck Chad Hall will be watching via the internet from his dorm room at UC-Riverside. Hall transferred from U of O last year and – despite having mixed results since – claims to have “no regrets” about the move.

“My brother had a tough college career and still made it,” Hall said. “So I thought the best way to follow in his footsteps would be to unnecessarily handicap my own college career. The way I look at it, I’m right on track to be America’s next distance hope.”

Hall’s brother Ryan is arguably America’s greatest distance hope at the moment, but struggled in his years at Stanford, even taking a semester off sophomore year. After three years of ups and downs Ryan came back to surprise the field in the 5000m at the NCAA Outdoor Championships outrunning numerous current American standouts as well as eventual Olympic Bronze Medalist Nick Willis.

“In four years people won’t remember that I cried when I didn’t break 14 minutes last year,” Chad said. “I’ll be just like Ryan. I’ll be married, living in Mammoth with my own GodTube.com channel and blog for Flotrack International – doesn’t get much better than that.”

Whereas U of O was a pressure cooker for underclassmen, Hall says UC-Riverside is much more laid back and because of that he gets along with teammates much better. “My teammates here were not blue chip recruits, which is an amazing benefit. Whenever I have a bad day I just take Jose or Raul out for a 12 miler and destroy them. At Oregon I couldn’t do that.”

Even UC-Riverside head coach Irv Ray noted that the parallels between the Hall brothers are remarkably similar. “They both have what I call ‘Championship Attitudes’ which means whenever I write a workout, I just assume they change it and do more. Last fall I gave Chad 4 x mile at 4:30 on the track. I couldn’t attend practice because it overlapped with my daily buzz cut. I later found out he did seven of them with the first six at 4:25 and the last one in 5:30. I immediately knew that he would have a really shitty end to his cross country season, but maybe in three years he would be able to break 13:30.”

As Ray surmised, Hall went from finishing 20th at Pre-Nationals to finishing 11th in the Big West, a conference known primarily for its busty, smoking hot dumb undergraduate broads. While his former teammates were celebrating their second straight NCAA Team Championship, Chad was finishing his sociology term paper titled: “Lost Boy of Big Bear: The Ostracizing Effects of Moving from a Homogenous Rural Ski-Town to a College Setting.” Due to lack of proper research, Hall received a C+ on the paper. “Professor said I needed a case status to support my thesis. I thought my own personal story was enough. Lesson learned.”

Slowed by injury, Hall sat out this indoor season and watched his former teammates rewrite the Oregon record books. Despite the apparent foolhardy decision, a philosophical Hall remained satisfied with his decision. “I have no regrets. My former teammates can have all their photos, records and trophies. The beauty of running is that once you take away the individual and team glory, it’s just you and the road. And that’s what it is for me now. I don’t run for the accolades or personal bests at the moment. Someday I will.”

In the last few weeks, Ian Dobson has been attending after school classes with Mammoth's finest preschool scholars to work on his counting skills.

In an absent-minded blunder that will surely be debated throughout the running community, Ian Dobson mistakenly deposited $4.65 into an automated toll booth on I-5 near Bakersfield, ten cents short of the toll for vehicles with one axle. Unable to produce the extra dime needed to activate the robotic arm stretched across his lane, Dobson was forced to pull his 1995 Honda Civic to the shoulder and drop out of his road trip to the Adidas Track Classic.

Dobson was traveling in a fast-paced pack of vehicles headed to Carson, Calif. for the star-studded track meet and decided to outgun his competitors over a stretch of interstate, not realizing that the group had yet to merge on to I-405, which marks the last stretch of the drive. Luke Watson recalled seeing Dobson speed up to beat them to the cash-only lane. “I saw him make that move and in my head I’m saying ‘I can’t believe it. He totally blew it.’ I mean it’s 2009. Can’t the guy spring for an EZ-Pass?”

Dobson offered an apology of sorts to disappointed fans in a post on LetsRun.com. “It was just an old fashioned mental error. I didn’t actually count the change in my pocket before I left the house, and when I finally realized how badly I screwed up, I was just completely tapped out. Dropping out was embarrassing, but there was no way I could have completed the last leg of the road trip without money for tolls.” The former Stanford star’s commuting has been going splendidly in the past few weeks and this slip up left many fans wondering the obvious question: “Couldn’t he just reach deep down into the glove compartment and dig out one last bit of change?”

California Department of Transportation traffic monitor Thomas Gibbon was watching Dobson struggle from a control room nearby. “On Friday, May 15th at approximately 11:30 a.m., I observed Mr. Dobson make his move to deposit the correct change into the toll collection bin. Mr. Dobson gunned his engine as he waited for the robotic arm to rise, signaling that the correct toll had been paid. From my position in the control room, I was able to observe that Mr. Dobson was unable to produce the additional $.10 needed. At this point, Mr. Dobson searched his vehicle for change in a manner I can only describe as frantic.”

As Mr. Dobson remained stranded at the toll booth, Scott Bauhs, who had been floundering near the back of the pack for much of the road trip in Jon Pierce’s 2004 Pontiac, was able to pass Dobson. Adding insult to injury, Pierce also mooned Dobson from the passenger seat window. Both Pierce and Bauhs went on to record personal bests in their drive from San Diego to Carson. In a breathless post-drive interview at a Sunoco station in Carson, Bauhs was ecstatic. “I was able to work with Jon and capitalize on Dobson’s tactical error. Also, my mom got me this nifty GPS for the Pontiac and we were totally able to skirt some nasty rush hour traffic!”

The Adidas Track Classic was to be Dobson’s first true competition for the 2009 outdoor season, after running 11.5 laps of the Stanford Payton Jordan Invitational 5000m as a planned workout. After hearing of Dobson’s mishap, Coach Terrence Mahon shook his head despairingly. “That boy just cannot count. There’s a reason he runs behind Ryan [Hall] in every workout and Meb figures out the tip at the diner. You put numbers in front of Ian and he is absolutely worthless. How do you graduate from Stanford but you can’t count backwards from 12? Go figure.”

The Curious Case of Dathan Ritzenhein continued in Eugene this week, as the standout distance runner was again injured - this time from doing excessive household chores.

Olympic distance runner Dathan Ritzenhein suffered a devastating back injury over the weekend that may keep him out of the USA Track and Field Championships and off the World Championships Team. Sources close to the family said the injury occurred when Ritz was burping his young daughter, but was likely brought on by excessive housework since returning from the London Marathon.

According to a source who spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear of losing his job at the Brad Hudson Big & Fat Pants franchise in Eugene, the injury took place Saturday night after Ritzenhein spent the day perusing the aisles of Home Depot for outdoor painting supplies. Upon returning home for dinner, Ritzenhein apparently went to pick up daughter Addison, 1-ish, and screamed out “This thing weighs a ton!” before keeling over and suffering a severely strained lower back.

Coach Brad Hudson confirmed the rumors Thurday night in a message board post. “Renato Canova told me that some of his Kenyan athletes run their families farms in the off-season. How was I supposed to now [sic] it wouldn’t work for Dathan? I literally just copy and paste his emails to a bulletin board outside my pants factory and tell the boys to have at it.”

The injury came as no surprise to Ritzenhein’s longtime friend and training partner Casey Burchill. “Let’s be honest, Ritz’s frame was not built for heavy manual labor. Spring time in Eugene means planting flowers, pulling weeds and mowing the lawn on a fairly regular basis. Throw in doing the dishes, folding laundry and vacuuming the house and you have a recipe for disaster.” When asked if he tried to dissuade one of America’s finest distance runners from doing damage to his fragile skeletal system, Burchill responded unequivocally. “I specifically told him not to carry the large bags of grass clippings to the woods for disposal. Now look what’s happened. Rupp and them are stealing his spotlight and Grampa Ritz is laid up playing video games on the internet with Ed Torres.”

Burchill’s disappointment was topped only by Ritz’s wife Kalin who was overheard laying into her husband as he struggled to keep up with Torres’ rising kill count on Halo 3. “You can’t stay healthy running! You can’t stay healthy cleaning the damn house! You’re like my grandfather. Useless!!!” Mrs. Ritzenhein then proceeded to run 20 miles out of frustration, shredding her achilles and curtailing her summer goal of defending her title at the Rockford Ice Cream Social 5K.

Ritzenhein had previously suggested hiring college students or immigrants to help out around the house. Despite Eugene’s soaring unemployment rate, the Ritzenehein’s were unable to find a housekeeper able to accommodate the Olympian’s mammoth sleeping schedule. “We were only able to have someone in the house for the three hours a day that Ritz is awake and running. We can’t possibly have anyone interrupt his 12 hours of sleep with a loud vacuum.”

The Ritzenheins have since pursued the only viable option, asking Burchill to take up the lion’s share of the housework in exchange for irregular Nike spandex discarded by Ritzenhein and old, smelly training shoes. “I was glad to do it. Not many people can say they’ve done the laundry of a 2:06 marathoner.” Informed that Ritzenhein’s personal best is over three minutes slower, Burchill slapped his forehead and responded, “I’ve been hanging around Coach Hudson and his silly predictions for too long.”

Trevor Dunbar wow'ed the crowd and honored his fallen friend at the Kodiak Tri-Invite last weekend.

Trevor Dunbar, Alaska’s finest prep athlete not on skis or hunting harmless animals at the moment, ran a scintillating 3,200m in front of a raucous crowd of Eskimos, snowmen, moose and members of the Palin family at the Kodiak Tri-Invite Friday. Dunbar’s time, 8:51.5 seconds, is the fastest time run by an Alaskan since 1997, when Lance Mackey ran the last two miles of the Iditarod in the harness of his sled dogs.

TwoAngryRunners.com caught up with Dunbar while the young athlete was taking a break from stalking elk across the desolate Arctic tundra. “It was a very special day for a lot of reasons. For one, it was my final home race of my career so everyone came out in support. Secondly, we were able to have Todd Palin rabbit the first mile on his snowmobile. Despite the heavy exhaust fumes and plumes of pristine snow hitting me in the face, I came through the first mile feeling very comfortable. Todd was supposed to bring me through six laps, but unfortunately wiped out on the backstretch trying to match one of my surges.”

Marcus Dunbar, Trevor’s father and coach, said his son’s record-setting run will go down as perhaps the finest sporting moment since Alutiiq Native Wackamanee Joe killed a live Kodiak bear with his bare hands in the town center in 1964. “People will be talking about this day for a long time.” After a long pause, Dunbar added, “That’s mostly because there is little else to talk about beyond the soul-crushing Alaskan winter and horrible scourge of meth addiction riddling our native population.”

Dunbar’s epic run was almost a no-go as groundskeepers at the Kodiak Tri-Invite had to chisel through 19 inches of ice just to clear lane one. With the rest of the track under a veritable skating rink, Dunbar was forced to “skate” around slower runners when passing them. Asked to explain how he adjusts his racing strategy when competing in Alaska, Dunbar responded, “When I race in the lower 48, I usually wear spikes, but up here it’s just easier to use a pair of CCM Tacks and hope for the best. I kicked them off with 600 to go. You heard the crowd roar right? [Reporter shakes head no.] It’s because they knew I meant business.”

Dunbar's teammate, Dyno Mongoose Trek in an undated photo.

The race was the shining moment of a bittersweet spring for Dunbar whose best friend and training partner Dyno Mongoose Trek passed away tragically last month. News reports from the event are contradictory, but it appears that Dunbar and Trek encountered two wolf-hunting helicopters while out for their usual Sunday long run in late February. Since childhood Trek had struggled with a thyroid disorder which made him unnaturally hairy for a 17-year-old and it appears the armed to the teeth airborne hunters confused him for a very tall, biped Alaskan gray wolf. Thirsty for wolf blood, the gunners rained fire on the unsuspecting pair who panicked and jetted toward the woods for shelter. Dunbar, the much faster and more agile of the two successfully ducked between two massive Evergreens. Trek was not as fortunate, going down in a hail of gunfire on the road’s edge. At 17, Trek was the youngest of nine Alaskans to die so far this year from wolf-hunting helicopters.

In light of the grisly episode, Dunbar is lobbying the Alaskan Sports Federation to display a commemorative plaque in the Alaskan Athletics Hall of Fame alongside such native Alaskan greats as NBA star Carlos Boozer, gold medalist Tommy Moe, and Iditarod champion Dee Dee Jonrowe. “It’s the least I could do for my buddy Dyno,” Dunbar said.” It’ll be just like a Cooperstown plaque, except covered in fur.”

All it took was a promised LetsRun.com singlet for Jimmy Wyner to get himself DQ'ed at Sunday's Heps Track Championships.

In what one track historian calls the first fixed race in the history of the Heptagonal Championships, it was revealed Monday that Cornell senior Jimmy Wyner’s disqualification in the 1500m was the result of a master plan to boost visitors to the “World Famous” LetsRun.com message board.

Through his biennially updated “Wejo Speaks” column, the web site’s co-founder Weldon Johnson made no reservations in confirming that fact Monday. “When [Rashid] Ramzi tested positive, the controversy exploded on the message board. To duplicate that effect, we needed a new villain. And the only thing that our typical reader hates more than drug cheats is a haughty Jewish athlete with exceptional hair and handsome features. Wyner fit the mold perfectly.”

On Sunday, it appeared the much-maligned Wyner had finally silenced his many critics in the 1500m when he made a commanding move over the final 200 meters to outsprint Princeton senior Michael Maag for the win. However, as Wyner entered the homestretch, the Big Red senior showboated and mocked his competitors, pumping his fists and bowing to an angry, booing crowd. “I hadn’t seen that kind of celebration since Usain Bolt won the Olympics,” Dartmouth sophomore Tom Robbins said. ”Unfortunately, Jimmy isn’t nearly as cool as Bolt and this isn’t the Penn Relays with 40,000 Jamaicans whooping it up.” Robbins admitted to wanting to punch out Wyner, but refrained because he said, “I need my knuckles healthy to crank out my Earth Science term paper tonight.”

After much discussion, officials decided to disqualify Wyner for his antics, stoking a firestorm of controversy on the “World famous” LetsRun message board. Fans on both sides weighed in through fiercely worded posts to the message board – some defending Wyner’s celebration and criticizing his disqualification while others were giddy at the Cornell senior being stripped of his title. One poster, 202halfmiler, was disgusted by Wyner’s actions. “Guys like Wyner should be banned from the sport. They have no appreciation for the sport. spent all of 2008 running all-out 200s for every workout and drinking Endurox till I puked. I would always be a gracious winner, especially if my coach would just put me in the fast heat at the Rider University Classic next week.”

As the message board maelstrom continued to rage on Monday, Johnson admitted that the whole incident was a ruse to direct track fans to his site, which typically sees a dip in traffic on Sundays. “Everyone in the distance running website and message board industry knows that Sundays are slow,” Johnson wrote. Because deals with advertisers are based on hits, Wejo stood to lose almost $17 in advertising revenue should traffic taper off. “We needed some fresh original content and God and my brother knows I’m not going to do it.” Wejo went on to write that the twins have been in hot water with Universal Sports [an advertising partner] ever since they signed their contract. “Those guys are insatiable – like heroin addicts for internet traffic. My only choice was to sacrifice Jim Wyner.”

Using his highly experienced team of “screwjobbers” – Bruce Hyde, JK and Emory Mort – Wejo was able to manufacture a scenario guaranteed to bring readers to his site. Unsurprisingly, Hyde offered to divulge details of the plot in exchange for the last bit of this reporter’s BLT. Through a mouthful of bacon, Hyde mumbled, “We knew Wyner was ready for something big, but were a tad worried that his competitive side would actually want to win his first outdoor conference title. He didn’t take much convincing though. Once we promised him a free LetsRun singlet for his post-collegiate career, he said, ‘Where do I sign?’”

According to reliable source and all-around good guy Sage Canaday, Wyner had practiced his showboating for months leading up to this weekend’s performance. “I was finishing up a set of 20 times a mile in 5:30 and I look over to see Jimmy playing “Crazy Train” on air guitar and running a 43 second 300 in trainers. He even had black eyeliner on.” Coach Robert Johnson also had Wyner practice high-stepping for 1499 meters at a time, finishing every interval with a Fosbury flop over the high jump bar and taking on the nickname “Mil Quinientos,” playing off his hero, Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson.

With Wyner tucked in, the next step was to make sure the scene was captured on video with easy access across the internet. For weeks, Wejo wrote late night emails from his basement couch to the Flotrack team, promising ‘fireworks’ in the 1500m. Finally Flotrack agreed to send their “freshman” squad of videographers, which according to Hyde, was the ultimate coup. “Look at the results. There was absolutely no reason for Flotrack to waste its time covering this nonsense conference meet. The 5K was won in 14:26, I could run that right now. [Hyde chuckles] Ok, ok, I couldn’t run 18:26, but I’m still in college so eat it.”

Despite being disqualified, Rojo believes Wyner has the potential to run much, much faster later in the season. “Think of how much emotion was expended whooping and hollering like a jackleg the last 50 meters. I checked with JK and he agreed that channeling that energy towards a monster last lap, Jimmy can run 3:37. Easy.”

Larry Rawson has faced adversity before, but never from the likes of the most powerful man in the world, President Barack Obama.

In a press conference from the White House Rose Garden, President Obama used his harshest language yet to denounce Larry Rawson’s torturous broadcasts, most recently on display in April’s Boston Marathon.

“We are a nation of laws and exciting commentators,” President Obama said. “We do not and should not torture track fans with worn out metaphors and poorly researched statistics. This affront to our values and color commentary will not stand. I call on Larry Rawson to resign immediately and I am initiating a Truth Commission to look into the blabbering inaccurate statements made by Mr. Rawson during recent telecasts.”

Fans of track and field have often described Larry Rawson’s broadcasts as torture, but the Obama administration has previously called the broadcasts “enhanced commentary techniques.” In February 2009, a damning report by the International Red Cross was leaked to Doug Logan’s Shin Splints blog, documenting the use of tortured analogies in over 30 marathons since 1986. “Over one dozen track fans who tuned into the 2008 Olympic Marathon Trials were subjected to a brutally oversimplified analysis of race strategy. The repetition of meaningless facts, such as the weight of racing flats as compared to a slice of bread, have worn down track fans to the point of dementia. These broadcast techniques are ineffectual and run counter to the great tradition of sports broadcasters in the United States, like Marv Albert and Charles Barkley.”

In his Presidential Election bid, Obama frequently campaigned for change in track and field announcing. At the 2008 University of Oregon Invite, Obama gave a stirring speech, calling on all track fans to unite against Rawson. “This isn’t a partisan issue. This is something that can bring all of us together. There’s not happy fans of track and there’s not sad fans of track – there’s the united angry fans of track and field. We are one group, all of us pledging hate toward Larry Rawson, all of us defending track and field to mainstream sport fans.”

Long before Obama was even pondering a career in politics, Rawson was dreaming about calling suspense-filled races with his monotone vocals. In previous interviews, Rawson traced his much maligned love affair with track and field broadcasting to 1954, when he heard the famous John Landy and Roger Bannister “Miracle Mile” via radio from his home in New England. He went to have a heralded track career at Boston College around the same time of the United States and Cuba trade embargo and began commentating professionally in the 1970s. Over the past decade, however, Rawson has been suffering from dementia-like symptoms frequently misstating facts, confusing winners and exceedingly focusing his insight on leg turnover. Rawson even recently admitted his own disgust with his broadcast of this past month’s Boston Marathon. “I confused the Kenyan women’s winner for an Ethiopian,” Rawson continued, “that’s like confusing me for Dwight Stones. Oh wait, no it’s not, we’re both universally hated.”

Despite his struggles of late, Rawson stands by his controversial announcing career. “Announcing is hard work. Just try going down to your local high school and blathering on for two hours while people run around. That’s what I have to do twice every year!”

Up and coming USA middle-distance runner David Torrence has found himself behind bars after assualting a USATF race director following his road mile victory.

After winning the USATF Road Mile championships in impressive fashion, David Torrence made off with over $14,000 in prize money before being arrested on charges of assault 50 miles northwest of Minneapolis.

USATF had offered a $10,000 bonus to any male athlete to break the four minute barrier in the race, with an additional $4,000 for winning. In a fluke timing mishap, however, the results page listed Torrence’s performance at 4:00, instead of 3:59.3, the time actually recorded. Incensed at missing, what he called “a new trailer pay day” by the smallest of margins, Torrence decided to take things into his own hands. Storming the awards stand in a ski mask and black hooded sweatshirt, Torrence demanded $14,000 in unmarked, non sequential bills to be placed in a sweaty duffle bag containing Torrence’s singlet and lucky socks.

“I always carry my nine and a ski mask in my spike bag, just in case I need a little gas money for the ride home,” admitted Torrence through six-inch-thick shatterproof glass at the Rush City Correction Facility. “And the hoodie? Mom just said I might get a little chilly after the race, so I brought it along.”

After pistol-whipping race director Jack Slater, Torrence made off in his 1988 Buick LeSabre, heading north on Route 95 towards Fargo, North Dakota. “In my haste, I obviously didn’t have time for a post-race Endurox shake, so I was operating on fumes at that point. I was just trying to remember that movie Fargo and how Steve Buscemi’s character got away with the million bucks.” Informed that Steve Buscemi’s character meets a grisly demise and that the million dollars goes unclaimed in the award-winning Coen Brothers film, Torrence winced. “Ahhh. Well, ahhh, there ya go.”

Back in Minneapolis, a visibly shaken Slater attempted to recount events for Minneapolis police sergeant Sally Fontainebleux. Sobbing in the medical tent, with a Mylar wrap around his shoulders, Slater explained, “I was just about to call David up to the stage when I see him pushing through the crowd, wild-eyed and armed to the britches. He’s shouting at me ‘Gimme the cash! Gimme it or I’ll blow your head off.’ And I’m telling him ‘David, it’s yours! Take it!’ And he’s saying ‘You’re damn right, it’s mine!’ And I’m telling ‘No, David, it really is yours!’ and I’m trying to explain to him that there was a timing error, and that’s about when the hitting started.”

Torrence, an up-and-coming star in the U.S. running scene, has made an incredible breakthrough this year on the professional circuit. Entering the outdoor track season as one of the fastest athletes in the country without a professional sponsorship, Torrence had trouble making ends meet. “The debt starts to pile up after a while. A Pizza Hut buffet here, a set of nunchucks and ninja stars there, and pretty soon your credit card bill is unmanageable,” Torrence explained. “When I saw 4:00 on the results, something just snapped. I just wanted a nice meal at Red Lobster for a change.” Tapping on the glass separating David from the rest of the free world, Torrence pondered, “You think they ever serve lobster in the clink?”

It remains to be seen how his prison sentence will affect his race and training schedules, but many of his fans are anxiously expecting a long and rambling blog post about his experience behind bars.

Shalene Flanagan has been reprimanded for crying excessively in Portland and has slowly fit into her role as another one of the guys.

With the recent addition of Olympic Bronze Medalist Shalane Flanagan, Nike Portland Coach Jerry Schumacher has been careful not to upset the team chemistry within his formerly all-male group, insisting his athletes treat the newcomer no different than if she was a freshman walk-on at University of Wisconsin.

In track and field the transition to a new training group can be especially complicated because athletes have to adjust to different workout programs while they also invest time establishing new coach-athlete relationships. But rather than change his proven coaching tactics, Schumacher has informed Flanagan that it is her job to fit in and deal with his style as much as possible. “What we’re trying to do with Shalane is make her earn her stripes,” Schumacher said. “A lot of people don’t think I can coach women, in fact I’m still not sure I can. But everyone and their grandma knows I can coach the shit out of men. I mean, just look at Tim Nelson. That kid was a bag of baked beans three years ago, now he’s running A-standards, making World’s teams and last weekend the little pusscake even won a race.” Schumacher then added, ”people know my record with men. My goal for now is to make a man out of Shalane.”

As one could expect, the pair’s relationship suffered some early setbacks, especially when Flanagan visited Portland for the first time in mid-April. During the team’s first meet and greet in the Nike Campus cafeteria, Matt Tegenkamp took it upon himself to initiate the former Tar Heel. “I remember it like it was last month,” Tegenkamp said. “Shalane was in line stacking up on some of Nike’s dirt cheap and super tasty Chinese food when I snuck up behind her and pantsed her right out of her Gap Kids jeans. The entire lunchroom saw her half & half creamy backside.” As Teg high-fived his teammates, Flanagan stormed out of the cafeteria crying.

The next day she walked into Schumacher’s garage-turned-office and told him she was quitting. The always shrewd Schumacher was ready and quickly cued up a video of the young star’s numerous failures beginning in high school at the Foot Locker Championships through her epic college collapses. As the slideshow played, Schumacher said he gave Flanagan the pep talk of a lifetime. “The message was simple: There’s no crying in track and field. Even after she won the bronze last summer she cried. I was like ‘grow a pair of balls and ham it up for the crowd.’ You don’t see the Ethiopians crying. That may not be a fair analogy because I’m not sure they’re human, but stil…”

Flanagan has since been flourishing on and off the track. Just last week, after running six one-mile repeats in 4:50, the American Record Holder surprised many in the group when she successfully sprinted eight hills with Chris Solinsky on her back. Flanagan later told Solinsky his body felt like a package of raw cookie dough and even told young Evan Jager that “they’ll be testing you for balls soon” if he keeps growing out his “ponyboy” hair.

Fellow training partner Simon Bairu agrees that Flanagan has matured much faster than even his former teammates, including Matt Withrow. “One of the toughest things Shalane dealt with was learning to put up with the rude things we say to each other during long runs. A few weeks ago I was talking about getting a “rusty trombone” to Tim. Shalane thought I had gone antiquing and responded in like. Obviously, she didn’t know I was referring to an obscene sex act. I tried the same joke on her last week, but she wouldn’t be fooled. She told me ‘I don’t do those … when I am sober.’ We all laughed.”

Upon hearing the story’s recap, Schumacher smiled and said, “This is how we did it in Wisconsin, and it’s working here. Things are looking up for Shalane. She needs to be mentally tough to beat the best in the world. But to be quite honest,” Schumacher added, “I’m more worried for her husband Steve who has not taken all this hanging with the guys lightly. Last week he apparently made her dinner and cake and she chose to go out drinking in downtown with the fellas instead.”

Ryan Hall signing autographs at the Marathon Expo. Unknown to many passerbys, God was nearby setting up his tent as well.

Two Angry Runners are here at the Boston Marathon Expo and we’re covering all the festivities. We’re doing a walking tour of the expo center so bear with us as we describe the various sights and sounds of Boston 2009.

A large crowd has gathered around the Dunkin Donuts booth, where Adam Nelson is signing autographs with a squeezable tube of Boston Crème filling. Later this afternoon, fans will have the opportunity to see Nelson at the Dunkin Tank. Similar to the dunk tank at the State Fair, youngsters can pay $3 to heave a shotput at a small target. If successful, Nelson will be “dunked” into a piping hot cup of hot cocoa. One rough young high school student, Bob “Brawn-Sauce” O’Doyle, has dunked Nelson three times over the course of the afternoon, prompting the shotputter to scream and rip his shirt off every time he splashes into the cauldron of delicious hot cocoa.

Over at the Saucony tent, Nate Jenkins is signing DVD copies of “Cast Away” for several very confused Natick residents. He spent the morning being lectured by a group of Boy Scouts about what to do if stranded outside during a snowstorm and also gave an inspiring speech to the Newton South JV track team advising the group of average runners on methods of becoming less average. When asked what he thought of the atmosphere at the John Hancock Sports and Fitness Expo, Jenkins replied, “It’s electric. Inspiring. Makes me want to get out there and run a marathon – except that would ruin my title as a marathoner who never actually runs marathons.”

Gabe Jennings is giving an acupuncture demo in the stairwell of the Hynes Convention Center. Actually, the less said about that particular scenario, the better.

At the Nike tent, Alberto Salazar is delivering an oratory on the benefits of drastic climate change. “10 years from now, every road in Portland could be underwater! This would actually be great for Galen, as it would reduce the pounding on his legs during long runs.”

Since Reebok recently cut their track and field sponsorships, they neglected to erect a proper expo tent. They did however, send Howie Glick, an intern at Reebok, who showed some can-do spirit and strung up a blue tarp between two light poles along the route and brought a cardboard cutout of Nick Willis. When asked about the future of track and field sponsorships at Reebok, Glick demurred, worrying that any wrong answer might come back to haunt his college resume.

In the Asics corner, fans were suprised to see God there setting up a tent early in the day in support for buddy Ryan Hall who is signing autographs for eager fans, many of whom are bullish on Hall’s prospects on Monday. “I’m just hoping some of Ryan’s popularity will rub off,” the Almighty said. “I spent all morning putting together this me-forsaken tent, and I haven’t been asked to autograph a race program or cure a case of blindness.” God then made eye contact with Hall and they pointed at each other while mouthing the words “You Da Man!”

Even LetsRun has set up a tent, and have initiated a “Guess the BroJo” contest. As you might guess, a substantial number of people were not even aware that there are two Johnsons. “OK, that one’s Weldon,” one contestant offered. “But then who is the other one?” “I’m Robert. Robert Johnson.” “The blues artist?”“No. Robert Johnson, distance coach at Cornell University.” “Silly Weldon. Is that a mirror?” “No, it’s me. Robert Johnson. Somebody get Wyner over here to clear this up.”

But, Two Angry Runners would be remiss not to include the rock star himself, Bill Rodgers. Rodgers has a Boston Maraton expo tent like the world has never seen before. There are tiki torches, kegs, and a live Bruce Springsteen cover band. For his part, Rodgers spent the afternoon in a throne made of discarded Pegasus shoeboxes, as an hours-long receiving line waited to meet the legend. “You have no idea how many milk bombs I have signed today. Luscious breasts covered in Sharpie.”

The Gouchers are hoping that by this time next year there will be a new Goucher in the family to go on very slow runs with Adam.

Kara Goucher confirmed the fantasies of many male track fans Friday afternoon, announcing that she and husband Adam plan to conceive their first child in their hotel room immediately following Monday’s Boston Marathon. Goucher’s running and fertility coach Alberto Salazar has reportedly fused her training and birthing plans so that she will be peaking for both the 26.2 mile race and the likely 47 second conception.

“Kara and I have been working very hard to ensure that her race and her pregnancy go as smoothly as possible,” said Salazar, who has overseen Goucher’s training program down to the smallest detail over the last few months in hopes of making Monday an extraordinarily special day. “Some athletes claim to have full-body training programs, but this is the real deal. For Kara and Adam that means including very unique and sometimes excruciating training.”

Unlike most runners who spend their time either training or resting, workouts don’t end on the track for Kara. Three times a week after a post-workout stretch and shower, Kara becomes intimate with Adam on an AlterG Treadmill. “The poor girl is already pretty beat up after her running so we have them set up on the treadmill to reduce the inherent pounding of such an activity,” said Salazar who closely monitors each session to ensure proper form and pace. “The key is relaxation. You gotta’ relax early or you won’t make it to the finish line, which in this case means Kara’s yearning ovaries.” When asked if he had established any rules for these training sessions, Salazar responded firmly, “There’s only one: Never let Adam climax. We can’t afford any complications or setbacks at this point in her training and I’ll be damned if I let him blow it by knocking her up now.”

The always explorative Salazar has not been afraid to dip into his bag of tricks, utilizing a wide variety of other exercises. “We do our own version of high low training, where Kara starts on top for the slower stuff and ends up on bottom when Adam starts, er, kicking,” Salazar noted. In addition, Adam has been sleeping in an altitude tent set at 15,000 feet to help increase his virility and sperm’s swimming ability while Kara has been taking hippie Yoga classes in downtown Portland that combine plyometrics with kiegles for strength and conditioning. “It’s all part of the plan and they know that the unenjoyable things are a necessary part of doing this right. For example, last week I made Adam double bag it. Sure, he initially objected, but then I said, remember training in trash bags before Osaka? This is just like that except much, much tighter.”

Salazar has been so meticulous in his coaching that he has Mrs. Goucher’s final hours leading to the race timed perfectly. “The real reason we picked Boston over London was not because of the history, but because it matched up with Kara’s menstrual cycle. If my calculations are correct, Kara should begin to ovulate around mile 23. Prime conception time will be between 2 and 3 p.m. Monday which won’t leave a lot of time to wave to the crowd or do interviews.” The couple has set up a hotel room in Copley Square where Salazar has said to share an adjoining room. “I will be there every thrust of the way. It’s not that I don’t trust them on their own, I just feel obligated to make sure they get the most out of their training by performing when it really counts.”

The Gouchers have been cautiously balancing Kara’s routines to make sure the pregnancy training does not adversely affect her marathon training and vice-versa. One way they are counteracting her body’s demands is by having Kara ingest lots of fish oils, non-saturated fats and dangerous amounts of fertility pills. “It’s pretty widely known that elite female distance runners have on average about one-tenth of the body fat required to safely bear children,” says Salazar.“It’s also very widely known that Adam has zero marketing or money-making potential so it is very important that Kara wins as much money as possible at this race. Otherwise the next year and a half could be financially devastating for the family.”

When asked which excited her more, the prospect of winning the Boston Marathon or having a child, Kara said, “Honestly, winning this race is the most important thing in the world. Fat, ugly people have babies every day, I’m mostly just doing this so Adam has someone to hang out with.”