Chinese Ministry for Athletic Excellence Releases “Project 500″ for 2012 Summer Olympics
Chinese Government officials have proposed drastic measures to the Olympic event schedule with more than 300 new events including chain smoking.
BEIJING – In a shocking new report made public Saturday, the Chinese government laid out ambitious athletic goals for the 2012 Olympics, potentially ushering in a new golden era for sport in one of the most populous nations on the planet. The heavily redacted report, entitled “Project 500,” published by the Chinese Ministry for Athletic Excellence, Physical Prowess and Supreme Honor of the Chairman Mao’s Graceful Leadership, calls on Chinese citizens to claim at least 500 Olympic medals in the next Summer Olympics.
The report blames the entire population of China for their “collective” failure at the 2008 Summer Olympics and cites Liu Xiang’s untimely injury as a source of deep national shame. In a chilling aside, the report mentions that Mr. Xiang’s ruptured Achilles tendon has become a highly sought after delicacy in the Hunan province.
The International Olympic Committee was left flabbergasted by the report, which will require the addition of at least 300 new sports at the next Olympic Games. IOC President Jacques Rogge made the following statement in a hastily assembled press conference outside a Russian bathhouse in Paris’ Latin Quarter: “The new competitions suggested by the Chinese government are wholly unreasonable and seem unfairly suited to the talents of their people,” Rogge said. “Recommendations made in the report include chain smoking, counterfeit goods hawking, great wall building and a “play baccarat until one person dies” competition. How would you even award a medal for that?”
Besides recommending the inclusion of new sports, the report also revolutionizes the training regimen for potential Olympic athletes in China. One particularly controversial change involves forcing young boys to heave stones of incrementally larger size over time. According to the report, “If a boy of 12 can throw a stone of 5 pounds, then by the time he is 18, he will be able to throw a stone of 35 pounds. When he is 25, he will heave a 50 pound stone incredibly far.” While the IOC mulls the Chinese recommendations, training camps saturated with children as young as four have begun popping up throughout the country. As a result, first quarter factory output for Nike China has declined 18% from last year.
The audacious report is apparently in response to the tepid recommendations made by the USATF in a heavily criticized, similarly titled report, “Project 30.” In the USATF version, CEO Doug Logan blamed excessive travel and poor long-term planning on the U.S. poor showing at the 2008 Beijing Games. Logan said, “I mean, they didn’t even include sports that I would be good at, like driving taxis and complete uselessness.”
When queried about what existing sports Chinese athletes could improve on, Ministry spokesman Hao Jintang tersely replied, “I believe we can make a Great Leap Forward in the long jump.”