Various reports surfacing on the Two Angry Runners Wire Service have indicated that German Fernandez’s amazing past weekend at the Big 12 Championships extended far beyond the confines of Texas A&M’s indoor oval. According to insiders, the freshman Cowboy ended his much-discussed dry spell, spending more than four hours in Colorado senior Jenny Barringer’s hotel room the night previous to their record-setting mile runs.

Head Colorado Coach Mark Wetmore confirmed the reports Tuesday in Boulder. “I talked to Dave [Smith] early last week and we were both worried about the pressure mounting on our star athletes. As I learned in the back of my VW Bus at Rutgers, the best remedy for stress is good-old-fashioned raw diggity-dog coitus.” Wetmore then stressed, “Non interruptus.” When asked if he was joking, Wetmore replied, “Listen, I have a degree in movement science from Columbia. I know what I’m talking about. And seriously, do you really think my last name is Wetmore? Negative bro. I earned that nickname at Rutgers in the 70s and had it legally changed in 1982. My real name is Mark Parmesan.”

Wetmore’s theory was vindicated Saturday as both athletes seemed to benefit tremendously from their pre-race marathon session. Barringer earned her first career win over NCAA standout Sally Kipyeygo, leading the race from the gun all the while looking euphoric as she floated along the track. Her time of 4:25.91 shattered the 21-year-old NCAA Record and set the 2009 indoor world best. In a post-race interview, Barringer revealed she had her own doubts pre-race, saying, “I was a bit rubber-legged on the warmup. Some experts say stretching prior to distance running can decrease performance, but I couldn’t disagree more.” The 2008 U.S. Olympian said her faith in coach Wetmore eventually quelled her doubts about the romp with Fernandez. “He told me, ‘It worked with Kara [Goucher], it worked with Dathan [Ritzenhein] and it worked most of the time with Brent [Vaughn]. The only person it didn’t work with was Steven [Pifer], but that’s because his girlfriend was insane. Just trust me on this one.’ I did. And it made this a very special weekend, I am just so happy with my performances.”

Fernandez appeared equally relaxed before and during his race, which he won handily in a new NCAA and World Junior record of 3 minutes, 55.02 seconds. “I know two things for sure after my first Big 12 indoor championship.  First, my expectations and goals have only become loftier for the rest of this year and beyond.  Second, if anyone thinks Jenny or I am on drugs, that is simply not the case. The only injection she received before the race was one full of hot beef.” According to one Holiday Inn Express housekeeper who overheard the encounter, Barringer’s room sounded like Mrs. Robinson getting interrogated by Jack Bauer in a tub of Gak.

“It’s no secret that Mark’s athletes always seem to be the most relaxed at big meets,” Oklahoma State Head Coach Dave Smith said. “Coming off all those hard races last month, German was getting a bit sluggish. We needed to do something to put some pep in his step. When I saw him after Saturday morning’s shakeout, he said he was thrilled to finally let the beast run wild through the scorching desert. I had no idea what he meant until I spoke with Wetmore at the meet.”

It remains to be seen if Barringer and Fernandez will recreate their magic in a few weeks because the latter has planned on skipping the NCAA meet in favor of World Juniors saying, “I hear them Sudanese Sallys is mad easy.”