Professional Runners Trade Phony Records for Phony Violence with New WWE Contract
Known as the British Bullface, two-time double gold medalist Kelly Holmes is taking her act to the squared-circle this April.
In an effort to attract new talent to his organization, World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Vince McMahon has signed two former high profile track and field athletes as the newest professional wrestlers in the WWE. Kelly Holmes, double gold medalist of Great Britain, and former world record holder Regina Jacobs of the United States will compete in their first matches later this month on Monday Night Raw.
McMahon was initially drawn to the women because of their comically distorted muscle definition and their willingness to get breast implants and pose nude for the WWE Divas calendar. “I’ve been in this business a long time and I have never seen that type of musculature until I saw Kelly outsprint the competition in 2004. The Undertaker has been juicing since 1993 and he still is not that ripped. That’s when I knew she had potential,” McMahon said.
After an illustrious career as a mid-distance specialist, Ms. Holmes has been searching for an outlet for her competitive impulses and steroid-induced rage. Serendipitously, Mr. McMahon has been searching for and wide to shore up ratings by replicating the success of Kurt Angle, a WWE wrestler whose entrée into the sport was his gold medal in freestyle wrestling at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. McMahon explains: “In 1998, we made a very intelligent business decision with Kurt Angle. Fans responded to the gold medal around his neck and Kurt responded very well to anabolic steroids. In Kelly, we get both up front. She can’t miss!”
Ms. Jacobs, whose career ended ignominiously in 2003 after she was caught up in the BALCO scandal and subsequently tested positive for THG, is joining the WWE for a different reason. “Basically, I needed the money. My new career as a real estate broker was not a wise move given the housing market. Also, my customers recognize that I’m a liar and a crook, and that is not the best quality to have when searching for that dream home.” McMahon was also reluctant to sign Ms. Jacobs, whose muscles had atrophied tremendously since her eye-popping world record at age 39. “Knowing that the BALCO pipeline no longer exists, I was naturally concerned about whether Regina could get back to her normal, ripped self. Luckily, Batista hooked her up with a great supplier in Guadalajara, and the rest is history.”
In the ring, Holmes will be known as the British Bullface whose signature move will be The She-ringe, a reverse piledriver with a twist. She will most likely play the “face,” wrestling parlance for a crowd favorite. Known for her crooked British smile, this seems a curious choice, but McMahon is confident in her ability to woo the crowd. “We did our research. Kelly was a hit on Dancing on Ice on the BBC. Her center of gravity and stage presence will be vital. Also, we need [current champion] Melina to betray someone in an upcoming storyline.”
Roidgina eschewed the nickname Mean Regina, saying "I want everyone to think I'm nice until they find out I am very evil."
Ms. Jacobs, who will go by her already has a reputation for flouting rules and basic human standards for ethical conduct, will most likely play a “heel,” or a bad guy. Going by her long-held and snugly-fitting nickname Roidgina, Jacobs’ finisher “The Cocktail” will be a two-part move – an elbow drop from the top rope followed by a reverse pin. Jacobs explains, “First I cream ‘em, then I clear ‘em!”
A separate contract is in the works with former professional shotputter CJ Hunter, who will accompany her to the ring, a la Virgil. Hunter, who spoke candidly to Two Angry Runners on his lunch break from detailing rental cars at the Raleigh International Airport, seemed wary of the deal. “I’ve been around a lot of strong women in my life. Y’all know I was married to Marion Jones right? That girl was strong, for reals (sic). Vince shoulda hired her! She can clothesline like a motha! You shoulda seen our divorce proceedings. Anyway, I’m not really sure I’m ready for that kinda woman again. But, as my throwing career proves, I’ll do anything if the money’s right.”
Even so, McMahon’s gamble should pay off, as he has invested in two marketable names who are known to put their bodies on the line to achieve implausibly remarkable performances. Fans can watch the action on Monday nights, where RAW is WAR!