Kara Goucher Peaking at Right Time For Boston Marathon, Impending Conception
The Gouchers are hoping that by this time next year there will be a new Goucher in the family to go on very slow runs with Adam.
Kara Goucher confirmed the fantasies of many male track fans Friday afternoon, announcing that she and husband Adam plan to conceive their first child in their hotel room immediately following Monday’s Boston Marathon. Goucher’s running and fertility coach Alberto Salazar has reportedly fused her training and birthing plans so that she will be peaking for both the 26.2 mile race and the likely 47 second conception.
“Kara and I have been working very hard to ensure that her race and her pregnancy go as smoothly as possible,” said Salazar, who has overseen Goucher’s training program down to the smallest detail over the last few months in hopes of making Monday an extraordinarily special day. “Some athletes claim to have full-body training programs, but this is the real deal. For Kara and Adam that means including very unique and sometimes excruciating training.”
Unlike most runners who spend their time either training or resting, workouts don’t end on the track for Kara. Three times a week after a post-workout stretch and shower, Kara becomes intimate with Adam on an AlterG Treadmill. “The poor girl is already pretty beat up after her running so we have them set up on the treadmill to reduce the inherent pounding of such an activity,” said Salazar who closely monitors each session to ensure proper form and pace. “The key is relaxation. You gotta’ relax early or you won’t make it to the finish line, which in this case means Kara’s yearning ovaries.” When asked if he had established any rules for these training sessions, Salazar responded firmly, “There’s only one: Never let Adam climax. We can’t afford any complications or setbacks at this point in her training and I’ll be damned if I let him blow it by knocking her up now.”
The always explorative Salazar has not been afraid to dip into his bag of tricks, utilizing a wide variety of other exercises. “We do our own version of high low training, where Kara starts on top for the slower stuff and ends up on bottom when Adam starts, er, kicking,” Salazar noted. In addition, Adam has been sleeping in an altitude tent set at 15,000 feet to help increase his virility and sperm’s swimming ability while Kara has been taking hippie Yoga classes in downtown Portland that combine plyometrics with kiegles for strength and conditioning. “It’s all part of the plan and they know that the unenjoyable things are a necessary part of doing this right. For example, last week I made Adam double bag it. Sure, he initially objected, but then I said, remember training in trash bags before Osaka? This is just like that except much, much tighter.”
Salazar has been so meticulous in his coaching that he has Mrs. Goucher’s final hours leading to the race timed perfectly. “The real reason we picked Boston over London was not because of the history, but because it matched up with Kara’s menstrual cycle. If my calculations are correct, Kara should begin to ovulate around mile 23. Prime conception time will be between 2 and 3 p.m. Monday which won’t leave a lot of time to wave to the crowd or do interviews.” The couple has set up a hotel room in Copley Square where Salazar has said to share an adjoining room. “I will be there every thrust of the way. It’s not that I don’t trust them on their own, I just feel obligated to make sure they get the most out of their training by performing when it really counts.”
The Gouchers have been cautiously balancing Kara’s routines to make sure the pregnancy training does not adversely affect her marathon training and vice-versa. One way they are counteracting her body’s demands is by having Kara ingest lots of fish oils, non-saturated fats and dangerous amounts of fertility pills. “It’s pretty widely known that elite female distance runners have on average about one-tenth of the body fat required to safely bear children,” says Salazar.“It’s also very widely known that Adam has zero marketing or money-making potential so it is very important that Kara wins as much money as possible at this race. Otherwise the next year and a half could be financially devastating for the family.”
When asked which excited her more, the prospect of winning the Boston Marathon or having a child, Kara said, “Honestly, winning this race is the most important thing in the world. Fat, ugly people have babies every day, I’m mostly just doing this so Adam has someone to hang out with.”