Wyner’s 1500m DQ Part of Elaborate Plan to Increase LetsRun.Com Message Board Readership, Wejo Says
All it took was a promised LetsRun.com singlet for Jimmy Wyner to get himself DQ'ed at Sunday's Heps Track Championships.
In what one track historian calls the first fixed race in the history of the Heptagonal Championships, it was revealed Monday that Cornell senior Jimmy Wyner’s disqualification in the 1500m was the result of a master plan to boost visitors to the “World Famous” LetsRun.com message board.
Through his biennially updated “Wejo Speaks” column, the web site’s co-founder Weldon Johnson made no reservations in confirming that fact Monday. “When [Rashid] Ramzi tested positive, the controversy exploded on the message board. To duplicate that effect, we needed a new villain. And the only thing that our typical reader hates more than drug cheats is a haughty Jewish athlete with exceptional hair and handsome features. Wyner fit the mold perfectly.”
On Sunday, it appeared the much-maligned Wyner had finally silenced his many critics in the 1500m when he made a commanding move over the final 200 meters to outsprint Princeton senior Michael Maag for the win. However, as Wyner entered the homestretch, the Big Red senior showboated and mocked his competitors, pumping his fists and bowing to an angry, booing crowd. “I hadn’t seen that kind of celebration since Usain Bolt won the Olympics,” Dartmouth sophomore Tom Robbins said. ”Unfortunately, Jimmy isn’t nearly as cool as Bolt and this isn’t the Penn Relays with 40,000 Jamaicans whooping it up.” Robbins admitted to wanting to punch out Wyner, but refrained because he said, “I need my knuckles healthy to crank out my Earth Science term paper tonight.”
After much discussion, officials decided to disqualify Wyner for his antics, stoking a firestorm of controversy on the “World famous” LetsRun message board. Fans on both sides weighed in through fiercely worded posts to the message board – some defending Wyner’s celebration and criticizing his disqualification while others were giddy at the Cornell senior being stripped of his title. One poster, 202halfmiler, was disgusted by Wyner’s actions. “Guys like Wyner should be banned from the sport. They have no appreciation for the sport. spent all of 2008 running all-out 200s for every workout and drinking Endurox till I puked. I would always be a gracious winner, especially if my coach would just put me in the fast heat at the Rider University Classic next week.”
As the message board maelstrom continued to rage on Monday, Johnson admitted that the whole incident was a ruse to direct track fans to his site, which typically sees a dip in traffic on Sundays. “Everyone in the distance running website and message board industry knows that Sundays are slow,” Johnson wrote. Because deals with advertisers are based on hits, Wejo stood to lose almost $17 in advertising revenue should traffic taper off. “We needed some fresh original content and God and my brother knows I’m not going to do it.” Wejo went on to write that the twins have been in hot water with Universal Sports [an advertising partner] ever since they signed their contract. “Those guys are insatiable – like heroin addicts for internet traffic. My only choice was to sacrifice Jim Wyner.”
Using his highly experienced team of “screwjobbers” – Bruce Hyde, JK and Emory Mort – Wejo was able to manufacture a scenario guaranteed to bring readers to his site. Unsurprisingly, Hyde offered to divulge details of the plot in exchange for the last bit of this reporter’s BLT. Through a mouthful of bacon, Hyde mumbled, “We knew Wyner was ready for something big, but were a tad worried that his competitive side would actually want to win his first outdoor conference title. He didn’t take much convincing though. Once we promised him a free LetsRun singlet for his post-collegiate career, he said, ‘Where do I sign?’”
According to reliable source and all-around good guy Sage Canaday, Wyner had practiced his showboating for months leading up to this weekend’s performance. “I was finishing up a set of 20 times a mile in 5:30 and I look over to see Jimmy playing “Crazy Train” on air guitar and running a 43 second 300 in trainers. He even had black eyeliner on.” Coach Robert Johnson also had Wyner practice high-stepping for 1499 meters at a time, finishing every interval with a Fosbury flop over the high jump bar and taking on the nickname “Mil Quinientos,” playing off his hero, Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson.
With Wyner tucked in, the next step was to make sure the scene was captured on video with easy access across the internet. For weeks, Wejo wrote late night emails from his basement couch to the Flotrack team, promising ‘fireworks’ in the 1500m. Finally Flotrack agreed to send their “freshman” squad of videographers, which according to Hyde, was the ultimate coup. “Look at the results. There was absolutely no reason for Flotrack to waste its time covering this nonsense conference meet. The 5K was won in 14:26, I could run that right now. [Hyde chuckles] Ok, ok, I couldn’t run 18:26, but I’m still in college so eat it.”
Despite being disqualified, Rojo believes Wyner has the potential to run much, much faster later in the season. “Think of how much emotion was expended whooping and hollering like a jackleg the last 50 meters. I checked with JK and he agreed that channeling that energy towards a monster last lap, Jimmy can run 3:37. Easy.”