German Fernandez Breaks Records, Not Beds as OSU Freshman
High School Record holder German Fernandez used to be all smiles, now he is just very, very frustrated.
After breaking the national high school two-mile record last spring, distance running prodigy German Fernandez left for Oklahoma State University with the same objectives of any young male trackstar: “Run fast and crush tons of pussy.” Things off the track have not gone to plan so far, the record-breaking Cowboy confirmed Wednesday.
Fernandez, who recently set the Junior World Record for the indoor mile in Fayetteville, Ark., has yet to reap the sexual benefits he expected as a blue-chip prospect. “I thought it was going to be easy, in fact I had even saved some graduation gift money because I figured I would have had to pay for an abortion or at least some morning-after pills by now.” While teammates and coaches as well as the occasional message board poster have fawned over him, no female OSU student has yet to even confirm him as a Facebook friend.
To break his cold streak, Fernandez sought out advice from known track playboy and ex-convict Fernando Cabada at last week’s USA Cross Country Championship, “He told me to wear the coolest black shades I could find during the race,” the US Junior Champion said. “He also told me to step my earring game up. One or two just ain’t gonna’ cut it anymore.” Despite heeding the advice and winning the race by a country mile, his reception Saturday night was a meager, poorly attended affair that featured cake, ice cream and the OSU softball team. “I’m not like my teammates,” Fernandez said. “They will literally hook up with anyone. I can’t do anything with a girl built like an F-350.”
Though Fernandez has struggled coming to terms with his lack of luck with the ladies, his frustrations come as no surprise to many of his more popular classmates. “No shit he hasn’t gotten laid,” said one female student, who requested to remain anonymous. “He runs track. The last time I checked there’s no big draft for track where professional teams throw money at these shrimpy runners. Girls in Stillwater, Oklahoma only want one thing: to get the hell out of Stillwater, Oklahoma. It’s going to take more than some hair gel and spandex to get me wanting him.”
There has even been some speculation among teammates that Fernandez might transfer to a school with a more storied running tradition in hopes of using his elevated status to attract females. Fernandez’s recent call with NCAA XC Champion dispelled that myth, however. “I called Galen to see how the female ‘climate’ was at U of O,” Fernandez said. “Sadly, he confirmed my greatest fears. He and many other Ducks, with the exception of Matt Centrowitz Jr., are still virgins.” In a subsequent interview, Rupp acknowledged that this conversation took place, but defended himself, saying “I’m saving myself for Kara [Goucher].”
With the NCAA Indoor Championships and World Cross Country Championships on the horizon, Fernandez has decided to wait a bit to lower his standards to his pre-record-breaking Applebee’s nightshift days. “I guess I could start by trying my luck with some sevens, maybe some sixes. College is overrated.”